You are currently browsing the monthly archive for March 2020.
I’m better now.
I slept a lot today, then showered and fed my family, then Randy and Zeke and I went for a hike at Difficult Run near Great Falls. Zoe refused to go. But while we were gone she did dishes and laundry and homework, so ok.
We so needed to get outside. I have gone on more hikes in the past week than I usually do in a given season, but they are critical to our emotional and physical survival. Tomorrow we’re headed to Shenandoah. Our house is 1,584 square feet. I can only imagine how much more challenging it is for people who live in tiny apartments, or shelters, or other less than luxurious accommodations.
After my middle-of-the-night post last night I received some commiseration from other souls who share my highly sensitive status, which was reassuring. I’ve also seen quite a few Facebook posts from friends who are in the throes of struggle. It is a good reminder that we are here to talk each other down, listen well, and just affirm to each other, “yes, this is freaking hard.”
Tonight we did our first-ever Zoom call with my parents, which was unsurprisingly comical. Once we ironed out the technical difficulties, we chatted about our days and played with the settings on Zoom. Although I’ve used Zoom for a few months, I never realized you could change the background–at least for your own image–to one of their preset backgrounds or any photo you choose. During our call I was accompanied by pandas, lions, younger versions of my kids, and various landscapes. Randy was upstairs in the office maintaining the illusion that he was either levitating above or being sucked underneath a river. Zoe shared her screen so she could show everyone photos of Taylor Swift. And we did a mad lib together, engineered by my dad.
Randy started a 2000-piece puzzle of seashells that I gave him last year. Zoe beat me soundly at Kings in the Corner. I started drafting a schedule for Monday, mostly of things I need to take care of myself. On Monday I need to change things up in terms of our homeschool situation, although I’m not sure how yet. I have to motivate myself to get my tasks done, as well as motivating the kids. I keep hearing that 1) it’s important to maintain a routine and stick to a schedule and 2) I should not worry about all this so much, and feel less pressure to make sure the kids are on task. This reminds me of so many times in my life where the guidance I was being given seemed totally contradictory.
Meanwhile, I am looking forward to the apple cider donuts tomorrow that we will hygienically pick up curbside from the Apple House on our way to Shenandoah. Maybe the answers will all become clear when we’re out on the trail.
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No one can sleep.
Randy and I were just settling into bed after watching Lady Bird when Zeke came into our room. He opened the lid of his water bottle, took a big swallow, and put it down on my nightstand before turning to look at me expectantly. Over the past several nights he has made his way into our bed at some point during the night, a practice which he had long since abandoned. But since the quarantine began he has started turning up again. Usually he snuggles in between Randy and me and falls back asleep right away. If I’m lucky I fall back asleep too until I realize I’m so close to the edge of the bed that it seems wiser to relocate to the futon in the office.
Since it was so early, relatively speaking, that we weren’t even asleep, I suggested I bring Zeke back to his room. There I found Zoe illuminated by the light of her computer. She had supposedly gone to bed a couple hours earlier. She has had trouble falling asleep for years, but it’s gotten worse lately. Of course it doesn’t help that she sleeps late every day. I am tired of dragging her out of bed when she doesn’t actually have to be anywhere.
Today was a rough day. I am usually an optimist although I certainly have my share (or more) of anxiety. But today I just felt crushed. Bombarded by bad news. Overwhelmed by uncertainty. Unable to motivate my kids to do anything. Barely able to make myself do anything. I keep seeing all these messages on social media about how we should support small businesses and artists and buy gift cards. I don’t have the money for that. I keep seeing all these messages about how we need to come together as a community during this crisis and support the food bank and other nonprofits. I’ve built my entire career on helping nonprofits, but I can’t donate now, when my income has slowed to a trickle.
A friend texted me “those messages aren’t for you.” My sister said I already do a lot for the community. My enneagram type is #2, often called the helper or the giver. Enneagram types all have strengths and weaknesses, and #2s —when things are not going well, say during a global pandemic, feel like they’re not enough. Type twos subconsciously feel like if they’re not doing enough for other people, they are unworthy. I have worked to overcome this unhealthy tendency for decades, and at times I think I’ve come pretty far. But then coronavirus hits and we’re quarantined at home and supposed to homeschool our kids and do our jobs and help our friends and family and neighbors—from a safe distance of course—and then how on earth could I possibly be doing enough to help? I couldn’t.
Thank God for my people who text me off my ledge when I need it. I received a lot of empathetic messages. I won’t lie—I cried a lot today. This thing is hard. I know we are super privileged and lucky and so far healthy (knock wood) but it is really freaking hard to have everything you’re used to called into question all of a sudden with no understanding of what comes next or how you’ll come out the other side.
I put a lot of thought and effort into being a good parent. And I realize that’s much easier to do when my kids go to school every day and I have time to work, socialize, eat, and just be in the world on my own. It feels counterintuitive to prioritize myself over my kids when my kids are in the same room, or even in the same house. Our house is small. There are not a lot of places you can go to have privacy, and the floors all creak. You can hear through the vents.
Every Wednesday the Unitarian Universalist Association sends out an email called Braver/Wiser with short essays by UU ministers and seminarians. I was struck by a recent piece https://www.uua.org/braverwiser/two-sides-same-coin about highly sensitive people. I first read about this concept several years ago, but I didn’t tell many people that it described me because I knew they would laugh it off, just like how the author writes that it sounds like “hysterical,” or some other disparaging term. Like snowflake.
I’ve come to realize the highly sensitive classification applies—at least for me—to both physical and mental stimuli. I can hear conversations that other people don’t. Strong smells can make me feel instantly ill. I can often intuit what people are going to say or do just before they say or do it. Not like I’m psychic, but perceptive.
I am not trying to say I’m the only person who is struggling in the unbelievable new reality of our current existence — far from it. Just that I understand why no one in my house is sleeping. It’s quarter to two and my mind is still wide awake with no signs of slowing.
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It’s too much effort to write it all out.
Just got home from the grocery store. Got everything we needed except eggs. Also got panicky and was just shy of hyperventilating by the time I checked out. I washed my hands in the bathroom at the store, then sanitized them twice in the car, and washed them again at home before and after unloading the groceries. I am worried that there is virus on the groceries but I don’t really have anything to wipe them down with. I guess we will all wash compulsively before, during, and after cooking and eating. Oh wait, we’re already doing that.
I bought an insane amount of groceries, realizing that all four of us are eating three meals a day plus snacks at home every day. That never happens. I guess we’re saving money and eating healthier.
I find myself overwhelmed by the deluge of online activities and zoom invitations. I feel like I’m supposed to participate in everything but I can’t and don’t really want to.
Zoe did her schoolwork today and Zeke read a book, did some math apps, and drew a lot. His teacher has posted a ton of first grade material but I don’t want to deal with it. Zeke is on some sort of writing strike. His teacher pointed out at his conference that he’s not writing as much as he should be at this point in the year. He knows how to write and he has an amazing vocabulary. He’s rather eloquent and witty in conversation, but somehow it pains him to write. I feel like I should take this opportunity to work on that, but I’m not sure how.
After sorting out the groceries I retreated to my bedroom to meditate with my Calm app. I am on day #13 of the 21-day meditation series I started in January. 😄 I have actually done more meditation than that, but I haven’t kept up with the series. Anyway it took about 15 minutes to slow my breathing and let the panic dissipate, but eventually it did.
It’s 75 degrees out now so I’m going to take the kids to a park for a hike. Deep breaths.
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Today was not our best day. It’s only the third day of homeschooling and I kinda gave up. But we’ve rallied now and I made a plan for tomorrow with more buy-in from the kids so maybe it won’t all go south.
I mean, today wasn’t a disaster, but I didn’t teach anyone anything. Here’s what we did:
- I cleaned out and organized a big section of our family room that was flooded with toys, art supplies, and various things that were not where they were supposed to be. As a result of this, I was able to repurpose one of our shelf areas for homeschooling supplies–markers, activity books, paper, pencils, etc. Then we could reclaim the dining room table.
- Zeke did a lot of drawing, in part inspired by the second in the series of Mo Willems’ doodle videos. We started taping up his doodles on the wall in the kitchen. I’ll post a picture of the gallery soon.
- Zoe went through her massive collection of slime that she’s made in recent years and threw away a lot of it. She donated some of her slime supplies to our general art supply stores and culled her slime stuff to a reasonable amount.
- Zeke and Zoe happily agreed to give away some of the toys we unearthed that they have outgrown. I have no idea how long it will be until I can actually give them away safely.
- I took a nap. It’s true that I have a sleep disorder, but it’s also true that if I have a lot to do that I’m engaged in all day, I can avoid taking a nap. Something to strive for tomorrow.
- After dinner, even though it was dark, we took a walk because we hadn’t left the house all day. We walked on a bike trail near our house and back through the neighborhoods. About 20 minutes in, it started to drizzle, but we kept walking because what else were we going to do? At least we got some air and a little exercise.
- When we got home Zoe did the EvolveAll 100-pushup challenge that Master Emerson issued on YouTube. That was impressive. Randy and I said we would do pushups with her every day, but not starting with 100 probably. 🙂
OK, after writing all this the day doesn’t seem like a total failure. It’s hard to know how much to push and how much to let it go. Especially when the news seems to change every hour and we have no idea how long this is going to go on.
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So I forgot that I am terrible with self-imposed schedules. Homeschool kinda broke down today. On the second day. For better or for worse, after 14 years of working from home, I have fallen into a variety of habits that are not conducive to a structured homeschool day.
Both Zoe and I were up way too late last night–insomnia? Anxiety? Who knows. But as a result we were not up bright and early this morning. Zeke was. And I told him no xbox but he could watch something on PBS Kids. When I finally got my act together I did put Christian’s martial arts exercise video on for Zeke, who also practiced his kick combo a few times.
We didn’t do most of the rest of the lesson plan. Zoe worked on her school work and did a vigorous workout using an online app. Zeke and I did a couple worksheets and watched a video about Fiona the hippo from the Cincinnati Zoo. I folded and put away a lot of laundry. After lunch I got a headache and decided to take a nap. The kids went briefly feral for a while.
Eventually we rallied and went outside to the park to kick the soccer ball around. I was dismayed to see lots of people at the playground and playing basketball, neither of which maintains social distance. At least it was a nice day outside.
Then I made dinner (meatloaf, green beans, couscous, and sourdough bread) while Zeke did math games on the Dreambox app I downloaded at his request. Zoe did some reading and we’re about to play a board game as a family. I realize I was overly ambitious today and need to plan less for tomorrow.
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We survived our first day of homeschooling. I posted on Facebook that we didn’t start getting grouchy until 4pm, which I considered an accomplishment. Even just a day into my unexpected teaching career, I have learned a lot.
- We got a late start so we skipped our morning movement time. This meant that Zeke took many breaks from our morning learning time to jump on the trampoline. The trampoline is little and has gone through periods of collecting dust in our house, but no more! Thanks to my mom for giving us the trampoline a few years ago. It seems essential for homeschooling.
- I couldn’t access the materials that Zeke’s school provided, so I gave Zeke some assignments from an activity book for second graders that my mom picked up at a garage sale at some point for us. Once again, thanks, Mom! Zeke calculated how much money a girl with a lemonade stand made, made observations about penguins, did some addition and subtraction, and sailed through a logic problem.
Later tonight I figured out how to download the first grade distance learning packet from Zeke’s school but discovered that most of it is pretty easy (except for the science projects, which I am simply not ambitious enough to undertake) and decided I will just continue with the second grade workbook. - The best part of the day was making art. Zeke did some drawing and painting. Zoe made me a bracelet and painted. I made a weird little mixed media box thing. We listened to music. The art making was calming and fun. Maybe we will finally use up the vast stores of art supplies we have on hand.
- Randy came downstairs from the office to have lunch with us. We all had a healthy, homemade lunch together around 12:30pm. This was strange! But good. Usually when I’m on my own I forget to have lunch until 2 or 3pm, or I get fast food, or go out.
- In the afternoon, the kids and I each retreated to a different comfy piece of furniture to read our books. Zoe started a Jason Reynolds novel, Zeke read a Geronimo Stilton book, and I continued reading Mercy House.
- The other highlight of the day was a hike at Potomac Overlook. The kids were reluctant to venture out, but once we got there they were excited to be outside, walk through the woods, and climb back and forth across the stream on various boulders and over fallen trees. We encountered only a handful of people in the park and we said hello from six feet away. When we got home, we scrubbed down and put our clothes in the wash.
- Even though I’ve been creating and populating this blog about things to do during the quarantine, I hadn’t really figured out how to incorporate the resources into our day. I realized by the end of the day today that I need an actual lesson plan for tomorrow, not just a schedule. So I created one. We’ll see how it goes…
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Sunday, March 15, 2020
Between yesterday and today I read a lot of articles about Coronavirus, contagion, social distancing, our health care system, and the horror show in Italy right now. As a result, I decided not to leave the house today. I was supposed to go with the rest of my ministerial search committee to a church that isn’t ours to see one of our ministerial candidates preach, and then go to lunch with the candidate and the committee. Thankfully, one of my brave committee members brought her computer to the service and transmitted it via zoom to those of us who were quarantining. Meanwhile, the rest of my family was in another room watching the virtual service at our church.
Randy and I made pumpkin pancakes, bacon, and eggs for brunch. After we ate, the kids and I went through all of their past, present, and future clothes in their drawers and the closet to cull items they’ve outgrown and switch some seasonal clothes. While I was doing Zoe’s clothes, Zeke read Olga: Out of Control and periodically read funny parts aloud to us. Randy bravely ventured out into the world to pick something up at his office, drop off our glass recycling, and buy some milk. We decided when he was at the store he would handle everything with a towel. When he got home he put everything he was wearing (plus the towel, which he wasn’t wearing) in the washing machine.
By the time I finished with the kids’ clothes, I had developed a raging migraine that also resembled a cluster headache. I would classify this headache as one of the 10 worst I’ve had in my life, which is saying a lot, since I’ve been experiencing clusters and migraines since I was a kid. It was the kind where I was getting chills and sweats and actually thought I was going to die. (Don’t worry, I took my temperature and I don’t have a fever.) Six hours in bed, two icepacks, a rizotriptan and naproxen, and several saltines later, I emerged from our bedroom feeling mostly better. After making myself a fruit smoothie and peanut butter sandwich, I was fine.
I cleaned the kitchen and Zoe and I played Kings in the Corner. Zoe said she wasn’t sure if she was excited about tomorrow’s homeschooling plan or not. I feel the same way. Yesterday we all sat down together and created this great schedule, but I don’t know how long we’ll be able to stick to it until things descend into anarchy.
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(Gotta appreciate alliteration and rhyme even in a crisis time)
Saturday, March 14, 2020
We found out yesterday that schools would be closed for the next month. Closures and cancelations are being decided by each school district, venue, organization, and company. I read today that all of France and Italy are closed. Period. Seems like the United States is way behind the curve on this.
Not unlike on September 11, the impending crisis seems incongruous with the weather, which has been sunny and warm.
I feel like we’ve already made mistakes in terms of insufficient social distancing and self quarantine. Zoe’s best friend came over yesterday and today for several hours. It didn’t occur to me or his mom that could be a problem. The prospect of telling my almost 13-year-old n more friends over for a few days (or more) isn’t pleasant. Thank God they all have phones, I am thinking for the first time ever.
I launched a new blog: https://incaseofquarantine.com to build community and provide coping techniques and comic relief during this period. I welcome contributors!
Things I’m thinking about:
- What I want to learn during this time, and what I can teach the kids
- What will change in the world after this is all over
- What I won’t be doing for a while, like free cycling or selling stuff online
- Silver linings–we’ll be spending less money and using the resources we have on hand.
You Ask a Lot of Questions 